It is my time, and alas, it has been fun. And so, in passing, I offer you...the following.
I had a mid-morning client appointment in downtown Omaha that ended at about 11:15, so I decided that I would make one last attempt to find a good dog joint. I completely forgot about Atomic Dog in the Old Market, so I headed back west. The Google machine on the interwebs told me about a place on 50th & Saddle Creek called "Worker's Carry Out". Well, I drove around that area searching for at least 5-10 minutes with no luck. I moved on, heading further west.
I drove through the Dundee neighborhood of Omaha in vain, as I didn't feel like stopping to ask anyone in khakis and a Columbia fleece whether they knew where the best local hot dog joint might be. Probably wouldn't have too much luck with that crowd.
So finally, I got wise, and headed back to the Midwest's shrine to tube meat: Chicago Dawg House. It was about another 15 minute drive from where I was, and completely out of the way of anything I was doing that day. But, my friends, it was worth it.
When you walk into a dining establishment and see old men in suits willing to plop their asses on uncomfortable bar stools and unhinge their jaw, you know you've got something. I know I've said it before, but this place rules!! It is the best thing to come out of the city of Chicago since Ditka, the riots of '68, and Al Capone. Let me expound by way of analogy - hot dogs are to Chicago Dawg House, as boone's farm is to a French Bourdeaux.
hd : CDH :: bf : FB
(That's for all you academic nerds in the audience).
I found out today that for the next 3 months, there are specials at the Dawg House that I think every single one of you should be aware of:
Sundays - buy 1 get 1 free (regular casing, no specials)
Mondays - kids eat free with purchase of adult meal
Wednesdays - free dog with purchase of fries & a drink (Yahtzee!!!)
So, today being Wednesday, as well as the final day of my stewardship of Hot Dog Month, I pretty much scored. Not only did I commit fully to the daily special, a chili cheese dog with fries & a drink (root beer, of course), but I decided to double down. I added another dog to my order, the "Waveland Avenue Bratwurst" and went full dress, "Chicago Style".
Notice the freaky bright green relish underneath the onions?
For those of you not familiar with "Chicago Style", I think The Mexican described it best in this post from back in August. I'd like to emphasize the freaky bright green relish. I don't really understand it, it frightened me a little bit, but I let it pass. Not being a native Chicagoan, I don't normally consume bright green things, but I figure if those drunken bastards can take it, I can. It was probably invented by some Irish Catholic f^&* on St. Patty's day as a "tribute" to something.
Waveland Avenue Bratwurst - Chicago Style
This has to be one of the best meals I've ever eaten. People who know me, know that I don't do vegetables or lots of "fixin's" on my meals. This was different. I think I've found Nirvana. Since I knew I didn't have a lot of gas left in the tank on this whole Hot Dog Month "thing", I thought that I would do a favor to The Mexican, The Mole, and all future HDM stewards by committing fully and reporting the results honestly. My friends, I can honestly say that I am a changed man. This was so amazing, that I am almost willing to take another month of stewardship at a later date, and only eat at CDH for the entire month. Yes, I'm serious.
So about halfway through the second dog (the Waveland), I started chatting up some people around me. The couple to my left was just staring at what looked like it could have been the severed member of Chewbacca the Wookie. He was about to tear into, I'm not kidding, not a footlong chili cheese dog, but a 15 inch chili cheese bratwurst. I asked him what the hell it was, and after he told me, I paused, looked at him, and said "Good luck". He laughed. I cried inside. Fifteen inches, are you kidding me? Jenna Jameson would even tremble in her shoes.
The couple to my right was tawking amongst themselves. He in a Kansas City Chiefs windbreaker, she, in a conservative corporate business suit. Because I was being so chatty with the owners and the other patrons, he asked me if I was some sort of food critic or something. If only he knew. I replied in the negative, but so badly wanted to tell him all about our adventures. How do you explain Hot Dog Month to a complete stranger? It's risky, I tell you. You either get Hot Dog Month, or you don't. There's no middle ground on this one.
As I kept working my way through the Waveland, my mind turned to thoughts of future bloggers, and missed opportunities. Here are some things I wish I would have done, had I had the time or the creativity before my term was up (future stewards, take note):
- Stoysich - How could I have not visited one of Omaha's oldest Polish tube meat families?
- Fairbury - I bleed red, and so do the dyes and injectables they stick into these things
- Hot dog manufacturing - a good idea for a field trip? Maybe, maybe not
- Creative dishes – hot dog pizza, hot dog quiche, hot dog lasagna, hot dog tacos
- Yom Kippur – I should have made a Hebrew National Menorah (Kevin!!!)
I started to regain consciousness after a few minutes of dogdreaming, and things started to come back into focus. Where had all the time gone? The Mole was right; it goes by way too fast. The first week, you can’t think anything but “Oh my God, what the hell did I get myself into?” The second week, it’s pretty passé, you think “This isn’t so bad”. By the third week, you start to hate yourself and everyone involved in Hot Dog Month. Then, week 4 arrives, and you look around and think “Hey…wait…I’m not done…” But then you look back and consider all you’ve accomplished, and you’re amazed at yourself.
It was right about then that the Chiefs fan bellowed over the din of the crowd…
"Oh my God, this is greatest thing I've ever put in my mouth"
No, he didn’t just…
Thank you, God, for the gifts you bestow on me, exactly when I need them.
After spitting a little bit of root beer through my nose, and coughing up a little bit of Waveland / root beer float, I managed to pull myself together for a little bit and email myself that quote from my phone to my home email. I had to save it immediately, or I would never remember it.
Have you ever done or said something in public that you probably should have saved for only close friends? Something so f!&*ing hysterical that you offended not only yourself, but most people in the group you’re with? Yeah, that was this guy. He looked over at me with that look we all get when we wish we could take back the last 30 seconds of our lives. I looked back at him with that look that said “thank you for the last 30 seconds”. I realized immediately that I had my final post for Hot Dog Month. All I could do was smile, pick up my tray, toss it, and walk out the door, laughing my ass off.
My friends, today was a good day. September has come and gone, like the cheap dime store hooker that she is. She’ll be back, and she’ll want more…and more…and more. Overall, Hot Dog Month has been quite a roller coaster ride of responsibility and immaturity. I have learned several things. One of the things I have learned is to not ignore your blogging responsibilities with The Mole. He will threaten you. Second, I have learned that I love Chicago Style Dogs. Where have you been all my life? Third, hot dogs make you more virile and attractive to the opposite sex. It’s science, don’t try and disprove it. There are hot dog pheromones. Fourth, corn dogs are the devil. Do not eat them. They are gross.
And now, it is with a heavy heart that I relinquish the reins of Hot Dog Month. My predecessor set the bar high, and I hope that I have only come close to his majestic creativity and humor. To the next steward, may your days be filled with the joys of processed meat, your nights be filled with kosher dreams, and your colon be filled with nothing by the end of the month. God Bless.
Ladies and gentlemen…I now introduced you…to The Pig!!!
