RAGBRAI

For those of you outside the midwest and not otherwise tied into the biking world, the State of Iowa has a bike ride called the Register's Annual Great Bike Ride Across Iowa (RAGBRAI). The "Register" is the Des Moines Register, the rag in those parts. It is a multi-day event that takes you from the west coast of the state to the east coast (you are supposed to muddy your back tire in the Missouri River on day one and then muddy your front tire in the Mississippi on the last day. In the meantime, you muddy yourself every night). It is the oldest, longest, and largest bike ride in the country and this year they anticipated 20,000 people. That's 20,000 people going through small towns like locusts drinking all the beer and leaving bits of bike chain and cigarette butts in their wake. It is a huge party. There are hot dogs.

Well this year I rode day one of RAGBRAI. The route went from Council Bluffs to Red Oak (yes, THE Red Oak). They said it was 52.7 miles, but our GPS said we went 56.6.

RAGBRAI really starts on Saturday before the first day of riding. This year it coincided with Ribfest, a huge, well, fest of ribs. They bring in 8 traveling BBQ teams (the big ones with the huge displays and commercial kitchens - see pic) and serve bbq and listen to bands. The bbq teams are shameless when it comes to self-promotion. This one had banners from every award they ever won, no matter how small. No Grand Champion from Memphis in May here. Instead, it was stuff like "First Place, Ribs - Molina Rib-A-Thon," "First Place, Spare Ribs - Oconomowoc Ribz n' Cheeze Dayz," and "Best Meat Selection - Greater Topeka Area Kiwanis Duck Races and Ribamania." In other words, they are in the business of business and not necessarily making world famous ribs. The ribs I had were good, but the ribs at 94/95 are better.

We went to Ribfest Saturday night and I was content to destroy some ribs and brisket, passing on the Nathan's Famous corn dog out of respect for the event (though it looked awesome). They don't really make a bbq hot dog. Or do they? My friend Nicole came back to the table with this -

Yes, that is a hot dog, split open, and served with bbq sauce, shredded pork, and cheese sauce. Glorious. It is served with a defibrillator.

We saw the Bare Naked Ladies, and it was ok. Its not the same lead singer and it was kind of a hokey performance. They are going to settle in to the state fair circuit very easily. They did improvise a few songs that were the highlight of the night, and the crowd certainly loved them, though I suspect some of the Council Bluffs regulars were upset to learn that the Bare Naked Ladies are a Canadian pop band (HOT - CHA!).

Fast forward a few hours and we are up and ready to ride to Red Oak (via several small towns and several makeshift towns that felt like something out of the Grapes of Wrath). The first two legs were fine, lots of pedaling but nothing too severe. Starting with the third leg, however, we began to hit some hills. I don't know where they found these hills, and I started a rumor that they actually brought them in just for RAGBRAI. After each hill was another hill. The only thing breaking them up were the frequent appearances of ambulances at the top of several of them. There had to be 15-20 back-to-back on that one stretch. I must have looked like Lance Armstrong flying up the Pyrenees if Lance Armstrong were 6'8" and not a good biker. Cycler? Cyclist? I'm not one of these people. This was my 5th time on a bike in 20 years, but I looked like I had been riding at least 6 times.

The next leg to Emerson wasn't much better and we lost two along the way. By "lost" I mean they jumped on a bus and rode into town. If anyone asks what they did on Sunday I hope they replied, "We rode in RAG." In Emerson a wonderful thing happened. They had hot dogs. I was pretty beat at this point and those two big dogs were like spinach to Popeye. I came roaring back and finished the last leg easily. I think I may have even won RAGBRAI. The only explanation for the miracle effect of a couple of dogs is that my body may actually be getting somewhat addicted to them. I needed a tubemeat fix to get rid of the shakes. All in all it was a fun day with good friends and today the only real soreness I have is from the seat and I cannot make any of the jokes I want to make about that. I have scrapped at least 10 of them in the interest of taste.

You see lots of people on RAGBRAI, from casual hot dog eating lawyers with no business riding 56 miles to die hard bike-riding-people with team jerseys, super fast bikes, and those clippy pedal shoes. I respect both of those groups. Its the tweeners that intrigued me. You would not believe how many fat people squeezed into spandex and those biking shirts. There is a mentality out there that if you are actually biking, you may dress accordingly - regardless of what you look like. There were "Team Discovery" jerseys seemingly painted on people that were stretched so thin you could see their skin underneath. If you are the real "Team Discovery," why do you even make a XXXL racing shirt? And these people are not joking. I found that out when I laughed at one and said, "great costume, love the irony!" What was he going to do, reach into his fanny pack and throw a multi-tool at me? They stand around drinking Bud Light Lime as though they look completely normal. That same outfit in the grocery store gets you arrested for indecency. My point is simply that they should dress with a hint of modesty. I don't care what people look like and I think its great that they are exercising, but a little self-awareness would go along way towards avoiding my vomit on your shoes. And if you think that is embarrassing, try having to explain that you threw up on them not because you were drunk, but merely at the sight of them in their silly costume. There is just no easy way to have that conversation. (For the record, I did not throw up on anyone).

I did not stay overnight in Red Oak and experience what everyone tells me is a blast of a party. As one of my friends described it, "Once the sun goes down, its like. Its like there's no laws man." I can see how that might happen.

Dog on . . .