Hot Dog Eating Contest on ESPN!!

After knocking down 5 dogs at the party last night (keep in mind that is over 7 hours, I'm not a glutton!), it seems appropriate that I would do a running diary of the Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest. I finally found a sport that is NOT better in high-def.

11:00 We're coming to you LIVE from Coney Island, iconic beachfront property that is part boardwalk, part carnival, part teased hair and part stonewashed jeans. This is not ESPN Classic or even the deuce, this is the real ESPN - in HD!!

11:08 Announcer just noted that Obama watched this last year and is watching again this year. He would like him to call because he has some "things to talk about." President Obama - do not call him.

11:10 They pan the crowd, it is mind-blowing. There must be thousands of people there. Announcer notes that "many of these people will go to the beach afterwards." Really? You mean they didn't take the D train to come down just to watch a ten minute hot dog eating contest? Maybe it's just one of those sports that is better live.

11:15 THE DOGS ARE BROUGHT OUT!!! Apparently this is quite a moment. I guess if you are the type of person who stands around on the Jersey shore all morning to watch a hot dog eating contest, seeing the hot dogs must be thrilling. Not quite like a new Bon Jovi cassette, but thrilling.

11:17 A puff piece on the women of the sport, including this question, "So you took on an elephant in a bun eating contest, how did you go about defeating an elephant?" By the way, I did not make that up. The ESPN guy just asked that question. I don't know how he did that without (a) busting out laughing or (b) shooting himself in the head at the realization of where his life is at present. And the elephant won.

11:30 Wow, so this is an hour long show?

11:36 The introduction of the contestants. I love this part. They highlight which particular food for which each person holds the world record. One guy has the record for pork and beans. Was that an actual event or did he just eat a bunch and say he had the world record? If thats the case, maybe I'll set the record for Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pies.

11:42 Big introduction for the Black Widow, Sonya something. Why is this sport trying so hard to promote a female champion? Do they think there is an untapped market of women who would watch this? Jessica put her earphones in because "I want to throw up just listening to it." Didn't they learn anything from the old WNBA?

11:45 Just laughed out loud at the commercial for Mike's Hard Lemonade with the sommalier (sp?).

11:49 The first bite, and they are off! Last year Joey Chestnut and Kobayashi went to an eat-off after eating 59 dogs in 10 minutes. They are crushing the dogs per minute pace of last year. This could be something special.

11:55 Chestnut and Kobayashi each just passed 59 dogs with 2 minutes remaining. I am watching history. One of the also-rans is wearing the "chew-cam" on his hat. I bet the producer who greenlighted that is working at Fox Sports within the week.

11:57 Chestnut WINS with 68 hot dogs!! New World Record!! I will always remember where I was when Joey Chestnut set the world record. He retains the Mustard Belt and three-peats!! I have to admit, I am feeling a bit nauseus just watching that. In no way did that encourage me in my efforts to eat hot dogs.

One thing to note on this day when we celebrate our independance. Perhaps this ridiculous contest of gluttony and meaningless pageantry is a perfect example of why we live in the greatest country in the world. We are not only free to eat hot dogs for sport, but we have the resources to do so. With a few possible exceptions, everyone who might read this did nothing to earn the freedom we enjoy. The least we can do is thank those who do or remember those who did.

Happy Fourth of July - God Bless America.

Dog on . . .