One More Day

This is the penultimate day of my 31 day hot dog adventure. I'm sitting on 94 dogs consumed and it certainly appears that 100 likely. A few at lunch and one tonight, then I will be set up to enjoy my 100th hot dog at 94/95 tomorrow. I think I'll swing by Coney Stop and pick up a coney dog and take it to 94/95 where I'm sure the media will be waiting.

After I eat my last hot dog, I am celebrating with Dwyane Wade. Seriously. Miami Heat uberstar Dwyane Wade is hosting a party at 94/95 tomorrow night starting at 8:00. He is in town for a series of charity events and Clester knows the local promoter so we have him lined up to come party at our place. Yes, that is pretty cool. If you want to come by I would get there early, we are expecting quite a crowd. $20 admission (to D-Wade's people) or $40 if you want VIP access. $100 if you want to ride around on my back all night so you can see over the crowd. This is the link that will tell you all about it.

http://9495sportsgrille.com/page.php?page=&pageid=Dwyane-Wade-at-9495-on-0731_b44a

At this point, I can't say I am sick of hot dogs, but I can say I won't miss them. A turkey sandwich might be nice. No ill health effects. I am still down 3 pounds from where I started and feel fine. The biggest hassle is finding hot dogs all day long. If I lived in Chicago this would be much easier. I am told that the milkshake at the Wiener's Circle is quite an experience.

Dog on . . .

100 is in sight.

When I set out on July 1st to eat hot dogs, I posted that I might hit 30 or 50. But with dedication and hard work, I am now at 88 and 100 is certainly within reach. Can this be used by my insurance provider to raise my rates? 12 more dogs, 4 more days. The kicker, I have lost 4 pounds. The Hot Dog Diet really does work.



A few new adventures to report:



Coney Stop - Right next to 94/95 is a little hot dog drive-through called Coney Stop. I finally got there on July 23rd, National Hot Dog Day. I was a little disappointed that the 12 year old working there did not know it was National Hot Dog Day, but the dogs I had were delicious. I had a Hebrew National (always delicious) but was surprised that it came naked. I was not asked if I wanted mustard, kraut, or any other toppings. The other dog I had was a Coney Dog. Covered with minced onions and some type of chili-like paste, it was tremendous. Not sure I could tell you what was in the paste - not sure I want to know myself. Either way, it was terrific and I recommend Coney Stop to you in West Omaha.



Snoop Dawgs - This little gem has been hiding from me in plain sight. At work, I am relegated to eating the roller dogs from the little convenient store in my building. They have been fine, serviceable dogs and brats and I appreciate the convenience. But just last week I learned that that the food court across the street has hot dogs at a place called Snoop Dawgs. It shares a counter with Paradise Bakery and Famous Daves so I didn't know it was there. They serve Hebrew National, and nothing exotic. The dogs are delicious and the chili cheese dog is the best I've had yet. Not sure how they came up with the name Snoop Dawgs. It has no reference to Snoopy, Charlie Brown, spying, or even pot-smoking rappers. But it is good. For shizzle.



Tim's Barbecue - I went to a big church picnic yesterday afternoon and they had Tim's BBQ (a local guy named Tim who serves BBQ). I had not had any dogs yet and didn't expect to get any at the picnic when lo and behold, right there on the table was a pan full of smoked hot dogs. I dressed one up with mustard and the other I dressed with pulled pork and BBQ sauce. I lost consciousness for a few minutes and that was followed by a bout of the meat sweats, but it was worth it.



Still have to cram in Chicago Dawg House and Pudgy's, but there is plenty of time for that. More to follow as I finish this month off.

Dog on . . .

Vegans Hate America.

Its official, vegans hate America. It has long been suspected that their anti-meat agenda was actually a communist plot to bring America down by weakening us with vegetables. Now it is a fact. They have filed a lawsuit against hot dogs. On National Hot Dog Day they filed a lawsuit in New Jersey seeking to have a cancer warning label on hot dog packages. Well hot dogs = America and America doesn't cause cancer. Or does it comrade?

I only wish they had tried to be more subtle. They may as well have just sued apple pie or the Statue of Liberty herself. Did they think we wouldn't see through this? I'm sure they got together with their PETA friends and decided that the most sinister time to file this suit would be on National Hot Dog Day while we were all enjoying the greatest hand-held encased meat sandwich on the planet. These are the same people that would rob your house when you are at a funeral. Think I'm stretching it here? Well follow this link www.stuffimadeupbecauseidontlikevegans.com

You want warnings on hot dogs? How about these:

WARNING: Consuming hot dogs may make you awesome.
WARNING: Consuming hot dogs increases the likelihood of sexual activity.
WARNING: Your life just got better.
WARNING: This product may lead to punching vegans. Be sure to wash your hands after that.

100 years of hot dog fueled global dominance suggests that maybe hot dogs are just fine. So go out and buy some hot dogs this weekend, feed them to your kids, serve them at your cancer walks and boldly display to the vegans that we will not cower in the face of their lies. We will not stop eating delicious hot dogs and we will not mar their beautiful shrink wrap with baseless warnings.

We will not go quietly into the night!
We will not vanish without a fight!
We're going to live on, we're going to survive!
Today, we celebrate our Independence Day!

Sorry, got a little carried away there. I always revert to Bill Pullman when I get worked up. I will leave you with this, a quote from Susan Thatcher of Irvine who sums it up perfectly, "Vegans complaining about hot dogs is like the Amish complaining about gas prices."

Dog on . . .

* After I posted this it was brought to my attention that the website above has been taken down. I think you know who is behind that.

Tomorrow Is National Hot Dog Day

National Hot Dog Day - Tomorrow is National Hot Dog Day. I need some good ideas as to how to best celebrate it. Post a comment if you have any ideas, and I would like something more creative than "eat hot dogs." I have already rejected the following ideas:

1. Rent hot dog costume and wear it to work. That is not practical, where would I find such a costume on such short notice? Besides, I have some hearings tomorrow in district court, so that is out. If they were in county court . . . .

2. Rent the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile and drive it to work. Awesome idea, but I wouldn't know where to start tracking down that sweet ride.

3. Try to use the word "hot" or "dog" in every sentence. Too much work, and I'd end up sounding like Randy from American Idol. "You're honor I object to Exhibit 3 on the grounds of hearsay and foundation . . . dog."

4. Eat nothing but hot dogs all day. This one is possible, but man cannot live on hot dogs alone. Occasionally he needs a brat.

So help me out and give me good suggestions - and for one day join me in eating and celebrating hot dogs.

Dog on . . .

The Magical 68

As of last night I hit hot dog number 68. Not a remarkable achievement, but the number 68 is important. That is the number of hot dogs world champion Joey Chestnut ate at the Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Championship a few weeks ago. Does that mean I tied the world champion? No. I did it in 21 days, he did it in 10 minutes. I have to shave some time before I can be considered a contender.

RAGBRAI

For those of you outside the midwest and not otherwise tied into the biking world, the State of Iowa has a bike ride called the Register's Annual Great Bike Ride Across Iowa (RAGBRAI). The "Register" is the Des Moines Register, the rag in those parts. It is a multi-day event that takes you from the west coast of the state to the east coast (you are supposed to muddy your back tire in the Missouri River on day one and then muddy your front tire in the Mississippi on the last day. In the meantime, you muddy yourself every night). It is the oldest, longest, and largest bike ride in the country and this year they anticipated 20,000 people. That's 20,000 people going through small towns like locusts drinking all the beer and leaving bits of bike chain and cigarette butts in their wake. It is a huge party. There are hot dogs.

Well this year I rode day one of RAGBRAI. The route went from Council Bluffs to Red Oak (yes, THE Red Oak). They said it was 52.7 miles, but our GPS said we went 56.6.

RAGBRAI really starts on Saturday before the first day of riding. This year it coincided with Ribfest, a huge, well, fest of ribs. They bring in 8 traveling BBQ teams (the big ones with the huge displays and commercial kitchens - see pic) and serve bbq and listen to bands. The bbq teams are shameless when it comes to self-promotion. This one had banners from every award they ever won, no matter how small. No Grand Champion from Memphis in May here. Instead, it was stuff like "First Place, Ribs - Molina Rib-A-Thon," "First Place, Spare Ribs - Oconomowoc Ribz n' Cheeze Dayz," and "Best Meat Selection - Greater Topeka Area Kiwanis Duck Races and Ribamania." In other words, they are in the business of business and not necessarily making world famous ribs. The ribs I had were good, but the ribs at 94/95 are better.

We went to Ribfest Saturday night and I was content to destroy some ribs and brisket, passing on the Nathan's Famous corn dog out of respect for the event (though it looked awesome). They don't really make a bbq hot dog. Or do they? My friend Nicole came back to the table with this -

Yes, that is a hot dog, split open, and served with bbq sauce, shredded pork, and cheese sauce. Glorious. It is served with a defibrillator.

We saw the Bare Naked Ladies, and it was ok. Its not the same lead singer and it was kind of a hokey performance. They are going to settle in to the state fair circuit very easily. They did improvise a few songs that were the highlight of the night, and the crowd certainly loved them, though I suspect some of the Council Bluffs regulars were upset to learn that the Bare Naked Ladies are a Canadian pop band (HOT - CHA!).

Fast forward a few hours and we are up and ready to ride to Red Oak (via several small towns and several makeshift towns that felt like something out of the Grapes of Wrath). The first two legs were fine, lots of pedaling but nothing too severe. Starting with the third leg, however, we began to hit some hills. I don't know where they found these hills, and I started a rumor that they actually brought them in just for RAGBRAI. After each hill was another hill. The only thing breaking them up were the frequent appearances of ambulances at the top of several of them. There had to be 15-20 back-to-back on that one stretch. I must have looked like Lance Armstrong flying up the Pyrenees if Lance Armstrong were 6'8" and not a good biker. Cycler? Cyclist? I'm not one of these people. This was my 5th time on a bike in 20 years, but I looked like I had been riding at least 6 times.

The next leg to Emerson wasn't much better and we lost two along the way. By "lost" I mean they jumped on a bus and rode into town. If anyone asks what they did on Sunday I hope they replied, "We rode in RAG." In Emerson a wonderful thing happened. They had hot dogs. I was pretty beat at this point and those two big dogs were like spinach to Popeye. I came roaring back and finished the last leg easily. I think I may have even won RAGBRAI. The only explanation for the miracle effect of a couple of dogs is that my body may actually be getting somewhat addicted to them. I needed a tubemeat fix to get rid of the shakes. All in all it was a fun day with good friends and today the only real soreness I have is from the seat and I cannot make any of the jokes I want to make about that. I have scrapped at least 10 of them in the interest of taste.

You see lots of people on RAGBRAI, from casual hot dog eating lawyers with no business riding 56 miles to die hard bike-riding-people with team jerseys, super fast bikes, and those clippy pedal shoes. I respect both of those groups. Its the tweeners that intrigued me. You would not believe how many fat people squeezed into spandex and those biking shirts. There is a mentality out there that if you are actually biking, you may dress accordingly - regardless of what you look like. There were "Team Discovery" jerseys seemingly painted on people that were stretched so thin you could see their skin underneath. If you are the real "Team Discovery," why do you even make a XXXL racing shirt? And these people are not joking. I found that out when I laughed at one and said, "great costume, love the irony!" What was he going to do, reach into his fanny pack and throw a multi-tool at me? They stand around drinking Bud Light Lime as though they look completely normal. That same outfit in the grocery store gets you arrested for indecency. My point is simply that they should dress with a hint of modesty. I don't care what people look like and I think its great that they are exercising, but a little self-awareness would go along way towards avoiding my vomit on your shoes. And if you think that is embarrassing, try having to explain that you threw up on them not because you were drunk, but merely at the sight of them in their silly costume. There is just no easy way to have that conversation. (For the record, I did not throw up on anyone).

I did not stay overnight in Red Oak and experience what everyone tells me is a blast of a party. As one of my friends described it, "Once the sun goes down, its like. Its like there's no laws man." I can see how that might happen.

Dog on . . .

15 Days, 0 Confirmed Heart Attacks.

15 days in, just about halfway. Two things of note. First, I have not had any major health incidents. No grabbers, no meat sweats, no sudden black outs from the lack of vegetables in my diet. Second, I am not sick of hot dogs yet. To the contrary, I am now looking forward to the dogs. Yesterday circumstances prevented me from eating any so I made up for it with 5 today. To paraphrase Johnny Cash, the hot dog I had for breakfast wasn't bad, so I had one more for dessert.

I have not yet tried either hot dog restaurant in town (Chicago Dawg House or Coney Island). I will get to both of them eventually, though Chicago Dawg House is on Maple and I'm not fond of the northwest side. Pretty rough up there. Lots of turf wars between the white people and the slightly whiter people.

Though I have no idea what all of these hot dogs are doing to my cholesterol, I haven't gained any weight yet. I have been working out pretty regularly, but I choose to believe that the hot dog has magical powers of weight loss. Sure "science" might disagree, but you can find a scientist (or ex-Vice-President) to make up anything and say its true. You want to know what causes global warming? Mustaches. If I make a movie about it will it be more true?

I could sell the secrets of the "Hot Dog Diet", but for my reader(s) I will give it away. Here is how it works:

1. Eat at least one hot dog each day.
2. Burn more calories than you consume.

Its just that simple - you'll be amazed at the results of my amazing Hot Dog Diet!!

RAGBRAI this Sunday. Never done it before, 50 miles but I'm told its an easy 50. Should be easy if there are enough hot dogs along the route to power me. Otherwise maybe I'll just cream some hot dogs, buns, and mustard and put it in some ziploc bags like white trash poi.

Dog on . . .

Hot Dogs Across the USA

You can get a hot dog in every city in America, but certain regions have developed a reputation all their own. Here are several of the more well-known varieties.

New York City: New Yorkers eat more hot dogs than any other group in the country. They also carry more handguns. Are either of these things good? We'll leave that to the philosophers. Served from their famous hot dog carts, they enjoy red hots, smothered, and Sabrett's, served with its horrendous onion "gravy" like substance. Not quite sauce, not quite grilled onions, it has the consistency of snot, but with minced onion chunks in it. Mmmmm. However, if you ever eat one in front of a New Yorker, you better grin and say you love it. Otherwise they will shoot you with their gun.

Chicago: As with pizza, Chicago set out to make their hot dog as different as they could from New York. Scrapping the east coast culinary logic of, "its great because its what I grew up wit", Chicagoans dress their dog in yellow mustard, bright green relish, chopped raw onion, tomato slices and topped with a dash of celery salt and served in a poppy seed bun. Even better, you can get it most places with sport peppers. God bless you Chicago. Your hot dogs are clearly White Sox (that's south side speak for "winners").

Atlanta and the South: Take any food item down south and its gonna get one of two things: deep fat fried or coleslawed. Luckily, cole slaw won this battle. At Atlanta Braves games you can get cole slaw on your dog by ordering it "dragged through the garden." Wait, that sounds, never mind.

Texas: Everything is bigger in Texas, but not necessarily more creative. The foot long is rumored to have originated in Texas as their contribution to the frankfurter arts. That's just like Texas, not too bright, but really big.

Colorado: At a Rockies game, you can get a footlong served with peppers, kraut, and onions. Six of them are perfect after you've been hitting the bong all day.

Ohio: Not terribly exciting, they wrap their hot dogs in a paper towel, microwave them, then eat them plain on a bun. If they do a good job they get a Buckeye sticker.

Vegas: Vegas is for value, and hot dogs are value. You can get some of the worst hot dogs in the world here. They ran a special at Westward Ho! one time (a classy joint if ever there was one) where you could buy a footlong hot dog and a beer for 99cents. A coke was $1.25. Only in Vegas.

San Francisco: Its probably fish or something, I don't know.

Nebraska: At Memorial Stadium you will enjoy a Fairbury dog. As red as the fans themselves, these thick dogs are as recognizable as a Runza in these parts. You can pay for one, or get lucky and catch a free one shot from "Der Wiener Schlinger", an air-powered hot dog shooter that can reach the upper deck with the dog still in tact. Yeah, we've got a little extra time on our hands out here. I even know a guy who is blogging about eating hot dogs.

This is by no means an exhaustive list, so feel free to comment on your favorites that I've forgotten.

Dog on . . .

Hot Dog Eating Contest on ESPN!!

After knocking down 5 dogs at the party last night (keep in mind that is over 7 hours, I'm not a glutton!), it seems appropriate that I would do a running diary of the Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest. I finally found a sport that is NOT better in high-def.

11:00 We're coming to you LIVE from Coney Island, iconic beachfront property that is part boardwalk, part carnival, part teased hair and part stonewashed jeans. This is not ESPN Classic or even the deuce, this is the real ESPN - in HD!!

11:08 Announcer just noted that Obama watched this last year and is watching again this year. He would like him to call because he has some "things to talk about." President Obama - do not call him.

11:10 They pan the crowd, it is mind-blowing. There must be thousands of people there. Announcer notes that "many of these people will go to the beach afterwards." Really? You mean they didn't take the D train to come down just to watch a ten minute hot dog eating contest? Maybe it's just one of those sports that is better live.

11:15 THE DOGS ARE BROUGHT OUT!!! Apparently this is quite a moment. I guess if you are the type of person who stands around on the Jersey shore all morning to watch a hot dog eating contest, seeing the hot dogs must be thrilling. Not quite like a new Bon Jovi cassette, but thrilling.

11:17 A puff piece on the women of the sport, including this question, "So you took on an elephant in a bun eating contest, how did you go about defeating an elephant?" By the way, I did not make that up. The ESPN guy just asked that question. I don't know how he did that without (a) busting out laughing or (b) shooting himself in the head at the realization of where his life is at present. And the elephant won.

11:30 Wow, so this is an hour long show?

11:36 The introduction of the contestants. I love this part. They highlight which particular food for which each person holds the world record. One guy has the record for pork and beans. Was that an actual event or did he just eat a bunch and say he had the world record? If thats the case, maybe I'll set the record for Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pies.

11:42 Big introduction for the Black Widow, Sonya something. Why is this sport trying so hard to promote a female champion? Do they think there is an untapped market of women who would watch this? Jessica put her earphones in because "I want to throw up just listening to it." Didn't they learn anything from the old WNBA?

11:45 Just laughed out loud at the commercial for Mike's Hard Lemonade with the sommalier (sp?).

11:49 The first bite, and they are off! Last year Joey Chestnut and Kobayashi went to an eat-off after eating 59 dogs in 10 minutes. They are crushing the dogs per minute pace of last year. This could be something special.

11:55 Chestnut and Kobayashi each just passed 59 dogs with 2 minutes remaining. I am watching history. One of the also-rans is wearing the "chew-cam" on his hat. I bet the producer who greenlighted that is working at Fox Sports within the week.

11:57 Chestnut WINS with 68 hot dogs!! New World Record!! I will always remember where I was when Joey Chestnut set the world record. He retains the Mustard Belt and three-peats!! I have to admit, I am feeling a bit nauseus just watching that. In no way did that encourage me in my efforts to eat hot dogs.

One thing to note on this day when we celebrate our independance. Perhaps this ridiculous contest of gluttony and meaningless pageantry is a perfect example of why we live in the greatest country in the world. We are not only free to eat hot dogs for sport, but we have the resources to do so. With a few possible exceptions, everyone who might read this did nothing to earn the freedom we enjoy. The least we can do is thank those who do or remember those who did.

Happy Fourth of July - God Bless America.

Dog on . . .

Had To Cook My Own Dogs.

I work in the First National Tower, the tallest skyscraper in the worlds. On the ground floor of this tower is a little shop thats like a convenience store, but you can also order rugs with your picture woven into it. Yes, its creepy.

Anyway, this shop is located on the first floor of a 40 story building and its called The Summit. Today I went there to grab a few roller dogs and the lady yells at me, "Sir, you have to microwave those, they're not done yet." OK, so I get the dogs and nuke them myself, shuttling back and forth between the microwave and the hot dog prep station in my suit trying not to spill hot dog juice or mustard on myself. This is not a good omen. I will be relying on The Summit for many lunchtime dogs this month and they did not start off on the right foot.

If anybody has any suggestions for places to grab a hot dog downtown let me know. Atomic Dog shut down because they charge too much for hot dogs and they were running a prostitution ring out of the kitchen. Only one of those things is true.

Don & Millies is downtown-ish, but I got a chili dog there yesterday and was not impressed. So any help you can give me would be appreciated.

So begins the weekend, if I can stand the sight of a hot dog on Monday I think I just might make it.